Showing up
A chance meeting of someone we think we might know at an art bar produces not only colourful explorations on canvas but also a musing about the challenges and benefits of showing up.
Enabling The How #201. Reading time: 7 minutes
As the sun was setting on a full and busy week, we walked into Joons Art Bar in Linden. It was already buzzing with groups and couples sitting around paint-splashed tables decorated with clean white canvases on small easels. It was a two-for-one special that had enticed so many to partake in an evening of creating and connecting. Two canvases for the price of one.
While we were waiting for our drinks to arrive, Matthew caught sight of someone he thought we knew.
“Yes, we do know her,” said Chantal, glancing backwards.
Chantal reminded him of exactly where they knew her from before returning to her musings about what she was going to draw and paint.
Matthew got up, not absolutely convinced. He approached the woman leaning against the pole, waiting to be seated. As he neared her she looked up and greeted him.
“Oh it is you,” replied Matthew, “I came over to see if it was and it is. We weren’t sure from over there.”
“And if it wasn’t,” she smiled, “I suppose you would have made a new friend.”
“Yes,” nodded Matthew, “That’s true.”
“That’s very brave of you,” she continued, “That’s not something I could do.”
“It’s not something I would have easily been able to do in the past, either,” admitted Matthew.
A shy young boy
Being able to show up has been an age-long challenge for Matthew. Even though we call him our friend-maker now, he was excruciatingly shy as a young boy. He couldn’t even bring himself to approach a stranger to ask for the time. Being sent to the neighbour to ask to borrow a saucepan for his mother sent him into cycles of anxiety.
Matthew preferred to keep to himself and do for himself. He became adept and knowledgeable about anything he needed to undertake. If he could not find out how to do it, he would find a way to avoid doing it or a way to get someone else to. He remains a superb delegator to this day.
Matthew was a sensitive boy and the world was an often overwhelming and frightening place. His parents got divorced when he was 11 and his father left the country to live in the UK. He was sent to boarding school at a young age and really had to figure things out for himself. He wasn't great at asking for help and found solace in his books and his brain.
Even though he is exceptionally intelligent, his penchant for disappearing into words on a page and later in his life, the world wide web, left him stranded in the ways of the world. He felt out of place and misunderstood in an environment that seemed to kick the weak to the curb and dismissed anyone not “in the know”.
Matthew never felt like he was one of those that were “in the know”. He was always seen to be a bit different and even though he knew a great deal, none of it seemed to set him up for living well in society.
When he had his internet business, his friend Heather, who worked for him at the time, said he always stayed tucked behind his screen, rarely venturing out to engage with the rest of the staff. Many people would have described him as odd; he most certainly was different.
Stepping out
Finding his way into the world and being able to step out and step up has been an interesting journey and one that Matthew is genuinely grateful for. The journey, as well as where he has found himself now, has offered him countless learning opportunities, many not very pleasant, some hugely satisfying.
Learning, growing and developing, to the point of evolving does not happen in a warm cocoon. Not the kind we refer to when we say “cocoon”, but in fact the very way that an insect transforms inside that orb. Disintegrating into mush and then reintegrating and regenerating into something more and different. The job is not complete until effort has been expended to find its way out of the protective cover.
Does the butterfly know what it is becoming inside its chrysalis? Does it plan its exit and structure the environment so that it has a soft landing? It does not. In fact the struggle to emerge from the shell-like covering is crucial to its development. It helps to stretch and strengthen the wings enabling it to fly, find food and escape predators.
Life is hard
Life is hard - for humans too. It’s meant to be. Otherwise we would not survive. We’d flop around and disintegrate at the first wind that blew at us, the first puddle we stepped into, the first time we wobbled on unsteady legs and fell down.
Change involves some pain. The pain of giving up a long held habit, the discomfort of developing a new practice and the clumsiness that comes with learning a new skill. It is often this awkwardness that sends us scurrying back to the ways of old. Adult humans don’t like appearing clumsy, or making mistakes, or getting things wrong.
For some reason there is this belief that as an adult things should be easy to learn, adopt and develop. Try learning a new language as an adult. It takes tongue twisting to a new level. While being brave enough to open your mouth and speak words that stumble and trip out, you have to hope that you are saying what you think you are!
While staying behind his screen back then offered him some safety, Matthew realised that this was not sustainable for his growth as an adult, for the health of his relationships and for building a business. He engaged a coach to help him break barriers, face his blind spots and deal with behavioural patterns and limiting beliefs.
Today he can firmly attest to the freedom that showing up has offered him:
“All the imaginings and hope I had for a life unconstrained by the chains of my anxieties and fears are nothing compared to my current lived experience.” said Matthew, “The consequences of doing the work and pushing through the discomfort and frustrations have allowed me to arrive at this place where I am able to show up moment to moment in the unfolding of life. It’s a beautiful, centred and powerful place to be. One I am deeply grateful to be able to have."
Shape of Emotion turned seven this week, on February 3 to be exact!
Seven years ago, we set out to change the way people experience and work with their emotions, moving beyond words, labels, and outdated models and perspectives. Shape of Emotion was born, offering a profound, somatic, and transformative way to navigate the landscape of feeling, and a key component in building emotional fitness.
Since then, it has touched lives, built resilience, and proven time and again that when we work with emotions differently, we feel (and live) better.
Here’s to the journey so far and to the many lives still to be impacted. Thank you to everyone who has walked this path with us! 💙
The happiness trap
Countless books, articles and social media pushes a plethora of magic potions for a happy life. The marketing would have us believe that we all deserve to be happy. And we deserve to be happy always. This is a happiness trap and false advertising at its worst. It sets us up for a lifetime of dissatisfaction.
The yearning for endless happiness in a strifeless nirvana is yearning for no life at all. We need to show up, day after day, to weather the storms and fight the battles and to relish our successes and achievements.
It’s finding the balance and accepting that sometimes days will be tough, finances may be tight and the mountain difficult to climb. None of that is forever, but we do need to push through the discomfort to reach the state of happiness, or satisfaction, or peace, all of which will be momentary too.
So show up, no matter what. Show up on the mat, in the office, on the field. Show up to write, to create, to speak, or to learn. Show up surrounded by strangers or colleagues or friends or loved ones. Show up even when it's hard, especially when it’s hard. Just show up.
Until next time.
Yours in feeling,
Matthew & Chantal
I'm always happy to receive confirmation of my journey and choices to "Show up Better" every day, through your articles Matthew and Chantal. =-D Thank you for sharing your truth and experiences. from one painfully shy young girl to now always chatting to anyone who needs a laugh or smile coming their way. Cheers to those willing to overcome their shadow to step up and add their light. X